


learning to hate you as a self defense mechanism

by pepi_peachnbeans



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, jjp are assholes (shocker)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 06:36:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16676446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepi_peachnbeans/pseuds/pepi_peachnbeans
Summary: he had always been a shitty friend, and an even shittier lover.





	learning to hate you as a self defense mechanism

**Author's Note:**

> so uhm ,,, hi 
> 
> i have so many ideas and i'm working on them all, and i'm trying to hard to finish the last chapter of tmtylm(eiif) because i want it to be vv good for you guys, it's thanksgiving break, so expect probably a writing binge 
> 
> title + fic inspired by flatsound - learning to hate you as a self defense mechanism

Jinyoung woke up, blinking at the light that was coming through the window, and silently cursed himself for forgetting to close it last night. There was a pounding on his head, and he winced at the very little memories he had of last night. As he stumbled out of bed, he wasn't surprised to see his clock read that it was one in the afternoon, as he probably didn't even get back into bed until four in the morning. 

He remembered that at least, vaguely of course. Stumbling in, with Mark and Jackson leading him to his bed. Jackson had left then, but Mark had stayed, because Mark always stayed. Out on his kitchen counter was a note, with an empty cup of water and a bottle of aspirin, and he silently let out a thank you, as he reminded himself that he needed to take Mark out for dinner soon for taking care of his ass, yet again. 

It had been awhile, since Jinyoung had gotten that wasted, and as he sat down at his table, he tried to go through the notations as to why. But everything came rushing back to him, and there was that burn in his throat that was threatening to ruin his table if he didn't get to the bathroom right now. 

He barely made it to the toilet before he was throwing up, coughing with his eyes closed as he body shook as he clung to the toilet for dear life. When he was done, he wiped at his mouth with toilet paper, flushed the toilet, and merely leaned against the wall, unable to find the energy to get up. 

Jinyoung could remember Mark staying with him last night, as he cried, in all of his drunken anger and sadness, wasted beyond the point that his altered mind couldn't help but say what was on his mind. 

It was all Jaebum, all Im fucking Jaebum, and why did Jinyoung ever let him get this kind of power over him? It's done nothing good for him. All he's done is let himself get hurt over and over again, it was a constant burning building, but instead of leaving, he always went further in. 

He met Im Jaebum when he was younger, both of their mothers being friends, and then therefore pressuring them into being friends. They played face well in front of their parents, but when it was just them, there had always been something odd about it all. But by the time they got to middle school, they were so deep in the web of lies that they had no other choice. 

Perhaps that was the problem, that the entire foundation of their relationship had been created on lies. 

They argued a lot, and disagreed even more, and there were so many days spent ignoring each other despite being the only two in the room. Jinyoung didn't know when things started changing, or if there had always been that underlining tone. But by freshman year, after a particular argument, over something entirely stupid and childish that held absolutely no importance whatsoever, Jaebum had pushed him up against the wall and hovered over him threateningly. 

Jinyoung wanted to hate him, to punch him right then and there, but he never did. Instead he and Jaebum kissed for the first time, and certainly not the last. Things downward spiraled then, practically every weekend that they hung out was spent mapping out each other's bodies. 

But, things were never exclusive, and that was Jinyoung's first mistake. For thinking that he was anything special, because he wasn't- isn't. 

Things continued like this for years, with Jaebum still always coming back to him, no matter what. No matter the fights, or anything else. And if there were other marks on Jaebum, or if his pillow case smelt like lilacs, then Jinyoung chose to just ignore it, partially for his own sanity. 

And things had been so damn good recently, that Jinyoung had let himself relax, when he shouldn't have. all the signs were there, pointing that things were just going down hill yet again. 

He remembered the night that he woke up. Jaebum was sitting at the edge of his bed, phone to his ear, talking low and mumbled, as if he was trying to be quiet. But there was something about it, that wasn't like he was trying to not wake Jinyoung up, it was as if he didn't want Jinyoung to hear him. It was in that moment he knew then that it wasn't any of the others. 

And so, this mystery person became more real as time went by, like a gas turning into a solid. But Jinyoung ignored it, until he couldn't anymore. 

It was his birthday, and Jaebum had texted him yet, called him, or even showed up to his apartment, and Jinyoung kept having to tell himself that he was going to, because he had never missed one before. 

Just like everything else, he wasn't really suppose to see it, but he still did. And all he was doing then was walking back from work from picking up his paycheck. It was at the ice cream shop, and Jaebum was there, shoulder to shoulder with a girl, laughing, and it was as if momentarily Jinyoung's world stopped. 

The feeling was ugly, the jealousy. It wasn't hardly anything at first, just the recognition of it at first, but then it slowly grew, from a feeling in the pit of his stomach, until it spread all across his body and he clenched his hands into fists in an attempt to contain it. 

So he called Jackson up about his offer the previous night to go clubbing. 

It was then at four in the morning, that he finally broke down on his bed, in a more sober than himself, Marks arms. "How come he doesn't want me?" 

It wasn't easy, admitting that he had feelings for someone like Jaebum, nevertheless Jaebum. He had always been a shitty friend, and an even shittier lover. Jinyoung just had always clung to the moments that Jaebum paid him any proper attention, treated him like the human being with emotions that he really is. 

There was many times that Jinyoung had wanted to get into Jaebum's face and scream, "Hey, remember me? The boy who's loved you since he was thirteen?" 

But Jinyoung never did, because he didn't want to give Jaebum any sort of satisfaction like seeing the true power he held over Jinyoung. If anything, he held onto the feeling of hate, because it is always easier to hate him than to feel the pain.


End file.
